Something to Love

The waves surround me, crashing, breaking,
Just like the waves you create in my heart.
I wish, I hope, I pray you'd realize
How much I wish we never had to part.
Feelings have progressed much deeper than expected,
Their depths seem to know no bounds.
I think I'm back where I once was,
Lost, alone, never on solid ground
When you are involved. I can never be still.
Never sure of my footing,
Never sure where I stand with you,
Knowing you'll never be putting
Me in front of anyone else.
I'll always be second prize,
Something not to be admired,
But coveted, to get a rise
Out of anyone who would see it.
I'm here for a reaction.
I wish you knew how I felt,
Wish I could take some action,
A step in the right direction,
Stop deluding ourselves.
But I'm too scared to lose you,
Too scared to delve
Even deeper into my mind,
Even deeper into my heart.
I wish we could be together,
Have an opportunity to start
Something that was good,
Something that would last,
Something that was love,
Something that is lost all too fast.


Written August 8, 2009

Disappear

I'm such a horrible person
Sitting here with these thoughts in my head.
Can't accept you happy
When it's not with me.

I say I want you happy
And I do - as long as it's with me.
I can't just sit here and watch this
It's killing me inside.

I'm supposed to support you
That's what love's about, right?
And here I am, hoping, wishing
That everything doesn't turn out right.

I hate myself right now
Because of you
Because of what I feel for you
Because now you've convinced me it's not right.

Everything's wrong in the world
At least, in mine.
What I thought would always be there
Is now fading away.

I can't do anything to stop it
Then you'd never talk to me
I can't handle that
You're the most important thing in my life.

I can already see my importance slipping.
See it, feel it, can't do anything about it.
So I just sit here, silently, watching,
Waiting until I just...disappear.

Written October 2006

I Understand

I've been through a lot this year,
Gone through many changes;
Changed for the worst. I fear
that I'm someone I don't want to be.
You and I, me and him, look at what I've done
How much fun we once had,
Now, alone, I'm the only one.
I've pushed you both away,
I'm left to clean this up;
Instead, I'm making a bigger mess,
Waiting for a chance to jump -
And reclaim what I've lost.
I've heard of wanting someone so bad it hurts
Never quite understood how that could happen.
Now, watching you stand there and flirt -
And looking at your picture I still keep -
I understand.

Written December 2006

Jealousy

She sits there, alone,
Wondering when to strike,
Seemingly content.Poison running through my veins.

She chooses the right moment,
Preparing to move in for the attack.
Coy, playful, innocent.

Then she strikes.

The venom flows from her fangs.
Her kindness takes hold.
You feel yourself melting in her warmth.

And then, you become enamored with her
Can't take your eyes off her
And leave me, ugly, alone.

Constantly compared to her,
Never fully loved by you,
I sit idly and watch;

Jealousy.

Written December 14, 2007

The Pain Within

You hurt me, cut me so deep.
Continued so far, I could hardly speak
About what you did to me, I kept to myself
And in the process, slowly lost my mental health.
You made me grow up faster than expected,
All so you could have your successes reflected
In my eyes, in your body, in your mind, in my heart.
You broke me down so much, I had to start
All over again, learn how to be happy
And in the process, I finally learned how to free
Myself from you and your oppressive state.
I've learned to truly love, and will no longer take the bait
Of manipulation you love to dangle
And how some other girl has gotten entangled
In your crafty ways, but I say nothing.
She won't believe me, since I'm a past fling.
This time around, you've changed for the better
Still manipulative, yes, but not letting it fester
Into an insatiable need for love, for warmth,
For everything I was to you, before disappearing into the dark
Abyss that is my mind, my memories of you.
Apparently you've forgotten all that you needed to do
To me, so that I could show you my love.
I cry freely, because your feelings disappeared quick as a dove.
You never loved me the way you claimed.
I was left alone, with only me to blame
For all my shortcomings, my failures, my flaws,
Myself, and all that governs me, those laws
Of my nature, and of yours.
You left me, cold, alone, forlorn.
You don't remember anything we did.
To cope with the pain, you ran and hid.
Leaving me to deal with everything head on
Sometimes, I didn't want to go on.
I hate you. I love you. I need you no more.
Think of what you've done, the heart you've adorned
With pain, with love, with hate, with despair.
Please, remember me, show me that you truly care.


Written July 1, 2008

Not Good Enough

No matter what I do, I’m always wrong.
Save your heart or save my mind
Apparently I’m supposed to be more concerned with you and us than with myself.
Well, not anymore.
I need time alone, time to figure everything out
Time away from you.
Time to see what I want, what I need.
Somehow, it doesn’t seem like you’re the answer I need
But I don’t know what is.
So I’ll figure it out, alone
With the people who’ve become like family here
The ones who support me, and my decision
The logical, rational ones who can see that I need to get away from you
And you’ll stay behind, stuck in the past
Stuck in a former life for me, the present for you
Our intertwined chapters have come to an end
The ending of a beautiful, if rough, story
It pains me to end it, but I must, in order to save myself
I can handle it; why can’t you?


Written October 24, 2008

If Only

If only you had made it known,
If only it was obvious,
If only you felt the same way.
If only, if only.
If only I could talk to you,
If only you would say what was on your mind,
If only we weren't so sensitive.
If only, if only.
If only we could be together,
If only we could find happiness,
If only things were simple.
If only, if only.
If only I could make it right,
If only time would speed up,
If only I had proper timing.
If only, if only.
If only I could separate myself from you,
If only nothing had happened,
If only you were a fleeting dream.
If only, if only.
If only things would turn out right,
If only I wasn't alone,
If only I could have everything.
If only, if only.
If only I wasn't second best.
If only I shone in my own right.
If only you cared the same way.
If only, if only.


Written November 11, 2008

Out!

I let my guard down for an instant,
And He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is there, lurking
Just out of sight, just out of mind.
I can't escape him, can't outrun my thoughts.
Why are you still here?
I thought I was rid of you, almost two years ago.

You shouldn't be there, taking up space not intended for you.
There's a reason you're He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Out, damned spot! Out, I say!
You're not allowed to take up residence in my heart anymore.
You lost that role, when you made me lose
Myself, my hopes, my mind.

You're crowding him out, screwing it up,
Leading me down a path I dare not peer down.
He has no chance when you bring out your charm.
He and I don't have the past we do.
He has nothing on you, but I want him.
So I say to you, one last time.

Get out!


Written March 30, 2009

Karma

Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
As soon as I make myself available for you,
You run away, to the arms of another.
You told me you wanted me.
You liked me.
You could hardly help yourself when I was around.
Now, I'm here for you
And you're throwing me away.
Someone you've known for four years,
For someone you've known for hardly four months.

I guess what I'm most upset about,
Is the fact that I let go of something good,
Thinking, hoping, you meant what you said.
Guess I was wrong.
Or that I should've admitted it to you.
But I was scared.
If I did, then it made it all the more real,
All the harder to resist you.

You know how little girls claim they've found their Edward?
Well, I may have found mine. You are so intriguing, such an enigma, I feel I've hardly scratched the surface.
You're the only one I could imagine actually marrying,
If only because of your problems,
And our unique relationship.

And yet, here I am.
Alone again.
Edward's decided I'm not worth his time
And I've decided never to tell him that I thought I was.

Second best again; back where I belong.
Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Written May 23, 2009

Somehow, She Still Wants You Around

Somehow, after all you’ve been through,
All the pain she’s experienced at your hand,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after everything you did to her,
Exploited her in the worst way,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after crying herself to sleep on multiple occasions,
Wanting to kick and claw at you when the memories became too hard,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after moving on,
Refusing to talk to you, think about you, look at you,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after all the years apart,
She sees you, and doesn’t feel hatred, so
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after hearing your apologies,
Trying to be the better person,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after becoming friends again,
Sharing secrets even her best friend doesn’t know,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after letting the walls fall,
The ones she constructed to keep you, and only you, out,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after admitting to herself what she wants,
Deciding she wants to do something about it,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after she held you in her arms,
Knowing full well it was for a short amount of time,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after you assured her all was well,
Chalking it up to having a lot of thoughts in your head,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after no contact for a week,
No attempt to reassure her,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after thinking maybe she wasn’t worth it,
Disgusting, repulsive, the whore she once knew,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after beating herself up for driving you away,
Not hurting for herself, only for the lost friendship,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after figuring out what happened,
You running off with the girl she knew you would,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after wanting to beat your head in,
Crying, because she knows it will pass as soon as you apologize,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after thinking about it and still not being hurt,
Realizing that maybe she was denying something more,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after having multiple epiphanies concerning you and her,
Desires, lies, routines,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after letting you know it affects her,
Not speaking, not reassuring, though you know how her thoughts go,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, after everything, she still wants to do it again,
Knowing full well what will happen in the end,
She still wants you around.

Somehow, you have some inexplicable hold on her
That you don’t even realize.
She still wants you around.

Written June 2, 2009

The Cow Among Horses

The cow looks out at all the horses,
Sees them running free and wild,
Able to let it all out.
Not the cow.
The horses are secure and stable,
All they have to do is run,
Run and be admired.
Not the cow.
The mares neigh, the stallions come,
Heads held high, prancing around,
Watching for a sign to proceed.
Not the cow.
The horses have friends,
Loyal through and through,
Never alone.
Not the cow.
The horses are beautiful,
Their bodies never betraying,
Only breeding when desirous.
Not the cow.
Everyone wants a horse,
Looks them over,
Tries to buy one.
Not the cow.

The cow among horses
Tries so desperately to blend in,
To become a horse,
To not be the cow.
No matter how hard the cow tries,
She will always just be a cow.
No matter if the horses want to let her in,
It will always just be a cow.
Oftentimes ignored,
All the cow wants
Is to be loved.
No one loves a cow.
No stallions for the cow,
Just a mangy bull
Who doesn't even want her.
No one wants a cow.

The cow among horses
Is waiting to be slaughtered.


Written June 22, 2009

Just In Case...

In case someone stumbles upon this and my FictionPress, I wanted to clarify that it's actually me on both of these. I'm getting frustrated with FictionPress lately, so I've decided to post my writing here as well. Once I can log into FictionPress again, I'll be linking it here, and this is probably where all my updates will be from now on, unless something changes over at FictionPress.


Here's the link to my FictionPress: FaintDaydream

Faint Daydream

What makes a faint daydream?
Is it something locked away at the back of your mind,
Something you want, but shouldn't?
Something you need to hide?
In other words, something like me?

Faint - distant, hazy, unrealized.
Something seen, but not clearly defined.
Something you know is there,
But can't tell exactly what it is or means.
In other words, something like me.

Daydream - a dream while awake,
One you have complete control over,
Something you can stop, change focus on,
Push to the back of your mind, never to return.
In other words, something like me.

Why am I the faint one, always?
Why am I only ever a daydream?
Never reaching my full potential
Because no one will ever see anything but
A Faint Daydream.


The explanation behind my penname. I thought it fitting to have the first post about my name. Written July 19, 2009